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Let's look back at all of the roast sets from greg giraldo, the best ever.

I compiled all of Greg Giraldo’s televised roast sets in this post. It’s an absolute crime that you can’t find all of his sets in one place, or at all really. Luckily, I saved all of them a few years ago and decided to load them up for everyone to watch.

Greg Giraldo was a genius comedian. Seriously, the guy was insanely smart. He graduated from Columbia University and Harvard Law School before deciding to take up a career in comedy. He had a near perfect score on his LSAT, but ended up trying to make people laugh instead. His tragic death in September 2010 was felt across all of comedy. It never felt like Giraldo got the respect he deserved, and his TV show projects always seemed to burn out quickly, even with so many friends in the industry referring to him as one of the best ever. He died of a prescription medication overdose after struggling with drugs and alcohol his whole life. It’s a sad, sad story and unfortunate that such a great mind was never really able to break away from his addictions. Regardless, he should be celebrated as one of the most underrated comics to ever live.

I personally (making this about myself for a second) deal with some mental health issues and find that comedy is a great way to shut my mind off and have no worries. Giraldo helped me through some tough times with his insane on-stage realism, well thought out and smart jokes and, of course, his roasts. It never felt like he was trying on stage. He was real, raw and just flat out fucking hilarious. His death was one of the first celebrity deaths that truly upset me. The fact we will never hear him make new jokes again is such a shame. A documentary about Giraldo aired on Comedy Central after his death and made it a point that he was not “just an insult comic,” and he wasn’t. His stand-up routines are must-listens. With that said, his roasts are still some of his best work and they need to be on the internet for all to see.

Below, you will find each full roast set from his 10 appearances, a few of my thoughts, as well as some of my favorite jokes. I hope you enjoy. Rest in peace, Greg.

The New York Friars Club Roast of Chevy Chase (2002)

This is the shortest of his roast sets, but Giraldo is still great. One of the best parts of all of his sets is him getting a quick jab in at the roast master right after being introduced. It was always weird to me how uninterested Chevy Chase was here and Giraldo played right into that with some digs at Chase’s career.

Favorite Joke

Giraldo: “Your show lasted six weeks. Sarah Jesse Rafael’s lasted 16 years. That’s got to feel good, late at night, huh?”

Sarah Jessy Raphael: “20!”

Giraldo: “Ah fuck you, I chopped off four years for symmetry, shut up.”

The Comedy Central Roast of Jeff Foxworthy (2005)

Letting all four of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour sit right next to Greg Giraldo during a roast is like lobbing him a pitch right over the middle of the plate.  You could argue this was Giraldo’s best roast. It always felt like Giraldo took it a little personally that the Blue Collar guys were far more successful than him and that his digs held a little truth to them. I wish this set had been longer.

Favorite Joke(s)

  “Good to see Bill Engvall here. Bill, he’s a prolific bastard, man. He’s got seven comedy CDs out. Without Bill, Sears would have no comedy section. Seven CDs. Bill, did you ever think of just saying something unfunny without recording it?”

“Jeff [Foxworthy] has always been an original and an innovator. Back when everyone was doing corny observational comedy, Jeff came up with the idea of doing it in a Southern accent.”

The Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson (2005)

This is the first dais that was expanded with a ton of people and it gave Giraldo even more opportunities to go after people. He goes in on Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Carolla and Sarah Silverman with some real killer jokes. The Carolla jokes alone about Pete Sampras and water-proofing his deck got some of the biggest laughs of the night. He had some great jokes about Pamela Anderson, too, and you could tell he had a fair amount of respect for her success. Also, can’t go without mentioning how much of a disaster Courtney Love was that night.

  “Good to see Eddie Griffin. Of course Eddie Griffin. People said there wouldn’t be any big movie stars here tonight, and they were right.”

“You’ve [Pamela Anderson] been flattened out and re-inflated more times than Jeff Ross’ prom date.”

The Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner (2006)

Again, Giraldo was a genius here in finding a way to tie in all of the people on the dais, even if they didn’t all have connections. It also helps when the person being roasted, William Shatner in this case, connects well with the roaster. I think a roaster having respect for the roastee helps make the set even better. Any time someone can make fun of Andy Dick, sign me up.  

  “Look at this dais, fat guys, old ladies and an Asian. I feel like I’m on a bus to Atlantic City.”

“Look at this, Nichelle Nichols, Farrah Fawcett and Betty. Uh, I’ll take ‘Women I Would Masturbate to 30 Years Ago’ for $1,000, Alex. What a cruel joke, three women you’d want to fuck 30 years ago and one I wouldn’t fuck 30 beers from now [points to Lisa Lampanelli].”

“[William Shatner] You’re a humanitarian, you work with a foundation to bring peace to the Middle East. Whatever it is you’re doing, keep it up, because it’s really working.”

The Comedy Central Roast of Flavor Flav (2007)

This is my favorite roast to ever air on Comedy Central. I also think this is clearly Greg Giraldo’s best set; every single one of his jokes is on another level of funny. Other roasters were great as well, especially Jimmy Kimmel, who I posted a bonus clip of below. Giraldo’s Katt Williams jokes still make me laugh out loud to this day. In the Greg Giraldo documentary, they mention how they knew that the reaction from Ice-T to the record deal joke about him confirmed how great the set was about to be.

“[Katt Williams] What a teeny little pimp! Man, being a pimp ain’t easy, especially when you gotta stand on phone books to smack a bitch.”

“You are a big ghoulish woman… I’m talking to you Carrot Top.”

“Jeff Ross just hosted some ridiculous talent show on ABC. A talent show, where do you get the balls to host a talent show? You running a talent show is like Michael Vick running the ASPCA.”

The Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget (2008)

The Roast of Bob Saget was another Top 3 Comedy Central roast thanks to Giraldo and the infamous “on-purpose bombing” from Norm MacDonald. Bob Saget probably laughed the hardest out of any of the people Giraldo roasted over the years. The Anne Frank joke about Lovitz was killer and Cloris Leachman’s reactions to her roasts were fantastic.

“John [Stamos] was married to my favorite supermodel, Rebecca Romain O’Connell. John, you lost your wife to the fat kid from ‘Stand By Me’.”

“Norm [MacDonald] has a giant gambling problem. He’s dropped more coin at a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.”

“We’ve all seen you shirtless [Brian Posein] on the ‘Sarah Silverman Show’. It’s hard to believe you could be so out of shape considering how much the townspeople chase you around with torches.”

Cheech and Chong Roasted (2008)

Not many people know about this roast because it only aired on TBS, but it’s another great Giraldo set. It features my favorite roast joke of all time, his joke about Ralphie May watching porn. Tom Arnold also makes an appearance and remember the jokes he makes, because just a few years later Giraldo would get a shot at him again. The second time around Tom Arnold seemed just absolutely rattled. These may have been some of Giraldo’s best jokes about the people subjects of the roast.

“Tom [Arnold], of course, he’s famous for marrying Roseanne, and that’s about it. Tommy Chong thought about replacing Cheech with Tom Arnold. They were going to call it Leach and Chong.”

“[Ralphie May] You’re the only guy who watches porn and cums when the guy delivers the pizza.” (Rest in peace, Ralphie May)

“Penn Jillette, with your greasy ponytail, you look like a male stripper who swallowed a male stripper.”

The Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy (2009)

In the Greg Giraldo documentary, his friends noted that he actually seemed to be cracking and letting a lot of truths out in his jokes about Larry the Cable Guy. This was the roast where he yells at Larry the Cable Guy, “How the fuck are you so popular!?” It lends to why I loved Giraldo so much, he always felt so real on stage. He also absolutely ethers Toby Keith in this roast.

“Lisa Lampanelli, keep it going for that guy, wasn’t he funny? … I love the pink camouflage Lisa, you look like General Fatton. Holy shit, you fat fuck, who knew Lane Bryant had an army.”

“I’ve never roasted a fake character before. Maybe next year we can roast SpongeBob Squarepants.”

“Your fans can’t even afford cable. They’re not coming cause they think you’re funny, they’ve just never seen a cable guy. You could’ve come up with other characters your fans have never seen, like Larry the Dentist, or Larry the Librarian or Larry the High School Diploma.”

The Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers (2009)

As someone who isn’t really a fan of Kathy Griffin, I loved Giraldo opening up by just laying into her. This was a weird mix of characters in terms of people on the dais and he managed, once again, to weave all of the jokes together perfectly. The Roast of Joan Rivers wasn’t all that great as a whole, but Giraldo’s set made it memorable. Also, this was the second time that he really made Tom Arnold uncomfortable. Try and spot the random Chris Pratt and Anna Farris cameo.

“Kathy [Griffin], you look like Ronald McDonald fucked Lucille Ball’s corpse and pushed it down a flight of stairs.”

“What a night, a couple of trolls, a fairy and a giant all going after a sunken-eyed little monster who is obsessed with jewelry. It’s like ‘The Lord of the Rings’.”

“Brad Garrett, from ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’. You are a fucking monster Brad, how did you ever get your head so far up Ray Romano’s head with those bolts in your neck.”

“[Gilbert Gottfried] You look like you smell like pee.”

The Comedy Central Roast of David Hasslehoff (2010)

This was, unfortunately, Greg Giraldo’s last roast before passing away about a month later. He was on his game as always and it was nice to see him have some older roast subjects on the dais for him to knock down one-by-one yet again. It’s still wildly upsetting that this was his last roast.

“How fat do you [Jeff Ross] plan on getting? You’re fattening up more than you’re aging. You’re like the Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton.”

“Of course it wouldn’t be a roast without Pizza Lampanelli. Good to see you Lisa, I’ve never seen a circus bear in a pantsuit before. Lisa seems very confident, but she’s actually not, she’s very sweet. She was telling me backstage she had knots in all four of her stomachs.”

“[Hulk Hogan] Keep your shirt on bitch tits. You’re 80. You had a reality show called ‘Hogan Knows Best’, it should’ve been called ‘Hogan Grows Breasts’.”

“Hasslehoff, have you ever not been drunk? You used to have a car that would start when you talked to it, now you have a car that won’t start when you blow into it.”

So there you go, I hope these stay up for a long time because people deserve to see the genius that was Greg Giraldo. The fact they are so hard to find is just ridiculous. What was your favorite joke from Greg Giraldo’s sets?

BONUS: Here is Jimmy Kimmel’s set from the Roast of Flavor Flav. Him going back and forth with the ‘Flavor of Love’ girls was fantastic.

The Blue Collar Comedy Guys Let Us in on the Jokes They Tell Each Other After the Shows

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The Blue Collar Comedy Tour is one of my favorites.  Bill Engvall, Larry the Cable Guy, Ron White and Jeff Foxworthy teamed up to make us all laugh.

In the video below, you can hear the guys tell their favorite jokes. They are the kind of jokes they tell each other at the bar after the show and they are hilarious. Watch it and you’ll surely laugh!

I love those guys! They crack me up and they are so relatable. They really seem like people you could hang out with. They are average guys who are just really funny.

Please share this if you are a fan of Blue Collar Comedy!

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Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie

• Ron White : I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. Well, they called the police because we broke a chair on the way out the door, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" Well, he didn't arrest them, instead he made me do a field sobriety test, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
• [ Takes breath ]
• Ron White : Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand.
• Ron White : Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public-KA.
• Jeff : Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.
• Ron White : If you knew Morse code, you'd already know that. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.
• [ Confused, stupid look ]
• Ron White : And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!
• Jeff : If you have a full set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side, you might be a redneck.
• Bill : My daughter's right in the middle, which is where you want them to be I think. She's friends with the popular kids, she's friends with the unpopular kids, which is cool, until they bring home one of their friends that you don't see eye to eye with. Like, the other day she brought home a friend who's into this goth stuff. Oh my God! Have you seen these little freaks? What happened! With the black nail polish, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black hair, and Liquid Paper-white face. I'm sorry, didn't we used to call that "Halloween"? She came to the door with my daughter, and I did this:
• [ Bill cracks up laughing and points ]
• Bill : But, I'm trying to be nice to her because she's my daughter's friend. My daughter says, "Daddy, this is my friend Lucy." I said, "Well, hey Lucy... fer! She looked at me like, "I will set you ablaze right now."
• Bill : I got a great family. I got a 16-year-old daughter who just got her driver's license. So drop to your knees and thank the good Lord above that you live here and not where we live. She is without a doubt the worst driver on the planet. She's got no depth perception at all. We come up to this intersection. There's a car stopped. I'm like, "He stopped. He stopped! He stopped!" She goes, "I can see that." I'm like, "Oh, my God, she's her mother!" The other day, my neighbor asked, "When did you put the CD boom box in your car?" I said, "What?" He goes, "I saw you and your daughter driving down the street, and I heard this -"
• [ makes a thumping noise ]
• Bill : I said, "That was me stomping on the imaginary brake on my side of the car.
• Ron White : Some states are trying to abolish the death penalty... my states puttin in an express lane.
• Jeff : Get alode of this -
• [ Ron is asleep in a waffle house ]
• Jeff : You know you're a redneck if youve ever slept in a waffle house.
• [ writes it down ]
• Jeff : Kids are great for a comedian, because kids are funny without even trying to be funny.
• Jeff : I would rather take a beating with a brick stick than take kids in the grocery store.
• Jeff : Phoenix in July. Apparently, the people that book these things don't get the Weather Channel.
• [ laughter ]
• Jeff : But, uh... It's been one of those years like that for me. In February, I was doing a show in the northern part of Minnesota. It was so cold. Beautiful place, it was so cold. It was like fifteen below zero. And after the show, we were talking to some guys backstage, and they were trying to talk us into going ice fishing with them. It's fifteen degrees below zero! I said, "Guys, you know what, I really appreciate it." I said, "I don't really think I want to be that cold." And one of the guys goes "Oh, it's not that cold." He goes "We build a big bonfire out on the lake."
• Jeff : [ holding back laughter ] And you call us stupid in the South?
• [ his definition of redneck ]
• Jeff : A glorious absence of sophistication. It can be full-time or part-time, but we're all guilty of it at some time or another. And if you're not guilty of it, then you have relatives who are.
• Jeff : If you work without a shirt on and so does your husband, you might be a redneck.
• Ron White : I guess we'd been floating down that river for an hour before I realized everybody's just peeing on themselves. And I thought: "Hell, I'll just pee on myself." Everybody got mad at me. Course, I was in a canoe. Standing up too. Not everybody got mad. A couple people viewed it as a photo opportunity. And I know that cause I got their Christmas card last year. I don't remember it being that *cold* that afternoon.
• Larry The Cable Guy : Nothing says, "Happy anniversary, sweetheart" like rubber dog turds.
• Bill : My wife collects twist-ties. Welcome to my world.
• Bill : My litle girl is 16. She's at that age where she's in her room listening to her stereo, online with her friends, and boys are starting to call. Oh, my God. We had a kid call the house at 2 in the morning. I lost it. First off, I'm sound asleep in la-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like, "Who's got a phone in the mountains?" So when I realized it's my phone, I'm already ticked off. I went, "Hello!" And this little voice goes, "Is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull you will hang up this phone up right now!" And my wife goes, "Bill, you gotta be nice." I said, "No, ma'am, nice stops at midnight." She said, "What will you do when these little boys come over?" I said, "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm gonna pull the young man in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. I'm gonna whisper in his ear. I'm gonna say, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl there? That's my only little girl. She's my life. So if you have any thought about hugging or kissing, you remember these words: I got no problem going back to prison."
• [ after re-telling the story of a Georgia man who had his nipple bitten off by a beaver ]
• Jeff : It is so rare that I am at a loss for words, the only response I could come up with was, I said "I'll bet that is the first time in history the headline of the paper could include the words 'beaver' and 'nipple' and nobody would be offended by it."
• [ finishing off "Here's Your Sign" ]
• Bill : But the best one... The best one I've seen yet happened in Los Angeles, California. I got stuck behind a big rig that wedged his trailer up underneath an overpass and me and the trucker are waiting on the side of the road on the tow truck driver. Well, the highway patrolman pulls up and looks at the guy's rig and he looks at the trucker and I'm thinking, "Oh, Dear God, he can't say it," 'cause I'll start laughing. Sure enough, he goes, "You get your truck stuck?" And God bless this trucker, without missing a beat, he goes: "Nope. I was delivering that overpass and I ran out of gas. Here's your sign."
• Bill : [ about trying to quit smoking ] I tried everything. I tried the gum, I couldn't keep it lit... I tried the patches, they pulled the skin off my lips... Finally my wife goes "Why don't you try acupuncture?" and I go "Woah woah woah woah!" I go "is that where they screw those little needles into ya" she goes "Yeah" and I go "Why don't you try waking up? I'm not gonna let somebody screw little needles into me" she goes "Bill it's your last option". So we found this lady, her name was Dr. Chang. I had one question for Dr. Chang, anybody know what that question would have been?
• [ Audience ]
• Bill : Does it hurt.
• Bill : Does it hurt. She goes:
• [ Chinese accent ]
• Bill : "Oh no. It no huurt." From a door 3 feet away from me I hear a grown man go "OW OW!" And I go "What was that?" and she goes "Oh, he big baby!" I said "weil I'm a big baby!" So the next thing I know I'm lying on this bed in my underwear, she has screwed a needle into the top of my head, three in each earlobe, one in each pec, one in each of my shins and three between each of my toes. And I'm lying on that bed thinking "Dear God I could use a cigarette right now!" And I can hear her and her partner talking in Chinese, but I don't speak Chinese. And then they start laughing and I'm like "Oh my god! They're filming this!" So she comes in at the half-hour mark. I think she's gonna take the needles out... *No.* She puts a cotton ball on each of the ones in my legs, lights it on fire and *leaves the room!* Well now I'm freakin' out, man, because all I can see is smoke drifting up from between my legs, and I cannot inhale it, Okey-dokey? Finally at the hour mark she comes in, she takes the needles out and goes
• [ Chinese accemt ]
• Bill : You come back tomorrow for another treatment. I said "Well let's just book that right now! Hey after that I'll schedule a prostate exam, just be a big ol' day for me!" So I put my ball cap on, I'm gonna go home and take a shower 'cause I've sweated through this whole ordeal. I get home, I'm standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror and I took my cap off and I went "Ow ow!" *SHE LEFT THE NEEDLE IN MY HEAD!*
• Bill : [ extended version ] I swear to God. And I am freakin' out, man because I look like Cindy Lou Who with that little antenna that comes out of her head. And I don't know if there's like an Oriental way I've gotta pull it out and if I do it wrong my whole body's gonna go oh-gah-ooohruhruh... So I called her and I go "Dr. Chang you left the needle in my head!" and she goes
• [ Chinese Accent ]
• Bill : Oh don't be big baby, just pull it out!"
• Bill : If I ever find out who told my son this, I will kill them. Apparently, somebody told my son there's a wiener thief out there, and if he takes his hand off it, WSSH! They're gonna snatch it away!
• [ about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance ]
• Jeff : I say "Yes, I would. 'Cause you've got a Ford Fiesta that's about to see more air time than a skateboard at the X-Games."
• Jeff : In defense of my in-laws, my in-laws are nuts. But I know why they're nuts. It's because a long time ago, they turned to each other and said "Hey, why don't we have children?"
• Jeff : Little kids buy cereal the same way grown men buy lingerie. They will buy stuff they care nothing about just to get the prize that's inside.
• [ laughter and applause ]
• Jeff : I always felt like you couldn't talk about rednecks unless you are one, and I are one.
• Jeff : You know what? Growing up, I didn't know that's what I was. And now, looking back, it was oh so obvious.
• Jeff : Ya'll, I'm not making this up. My entire childhood, the mailbox in front of our house had the letters "M-A-L-E" painted on the side of it.
• Jeff : And by the time I was in the eleventh grade, I was like "that ain't right! That 'm' is supposed to be capitalized, isn't it?"
• Jeff : That is a true story. When I was in the third grade, my uncle did that as a joke. And NOBODY got it.
• [ about trying to quit smoking ]
• Bill : Anybody who's ever tried to quit knows exactly what I'm talking about.
• [ cheers and applause ]
• Bill : It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. And people who have never smoked just don't get that. It's like, my wife goes "I don't understand why you just don't quit, Bill. Just put them down and quit." I go, "baby, I am trying. It is hard." And she goes, "I'm sorry, Bill. I don't understand why you just don't quit." And I go, "all right. Why don't you quit yelling?"
• Bill : [ smugly ] 'Cause you can't.
• Larry The Cable Guy : Hey, Bill, tell 'em about the one you done did over there in whatcha callit
• Jeff : Yeah, Bill, tell them about the one you done did over in that deal there.
• Ron White : I got in last night, and some guys wanted to take me to a topless bar. I didn't want to go,
• [ audience cracks up ]
• Ron White : but I ended up going, cause you guys will back me up on this, you've seen one woman nekid... you wanna see the rest of them nekid! It can be an old biker chick, you know, they're gonna hang down to here. 'Wanna see me nekid?' Yeah, I do!
• [ Waits a few seconds ]
• Ron White : All right, roll 'em back up now! I've seen enough.
• [ Ron does pantomime of rolling her breasts up like rolling a cigarette ]
• Ron White : Things that make you go buhhhh!
• [ Ron shudders ]
• Ron White : In Texas we have the death penalty, and WE USE IT!
• [ audience cheers ]
• Ron White : That's right! If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back! That's our policy!
• Jeff : If you think a 401k is your mother-in-law's bra size, you might be a redneck.
• Jeff : If you think "Silence Of The Lambs" is what happens when Larry goes out to the barn, you might be a redneck.
• Bill : My son developed this really bad habit. He would come to my side of the bed and he'd get that close to my face. And just stare at me. You ever get that feeling when you know you're being watched? He's be like: "Dad... Dad... Da-" "What? What? What?" He starts crying. My wife goes, "You scared him!" I'm like, "Hell, he scared me! Jesus, put a bell round his neck!"
• Bill : I took my family on an RV trip last summer. I thought RV stood for "recreational vehicle." No. It stands for "ruins vacations." I had never driven one of these things. Dear God, It's 35 feet long, 8 feet wide, and got 2 mirrors that stick out 3 feet on each side. Good Lord, I was like a passenger trying to land a 747. I'm weaving all over the road. I'm getting flipped off by kids in car seats, all right? Don't know why they put a reverse on these dumb things. I never learned to back it up. If I pulled into a Quickie Mart too far past the pump to get gas there was no backing up. It was, go all the way around the block and try again. Thank God I wasn't the only one. Sometimes there would be 7 or 8 of us just circling that Quickie Mart just like a white trash road race.
• Jeff : If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
• Ron White : Yesterday I'm sitting in a bean bag chair, naked and eating Cheetos.
• [ pauses while audience cracks up ]
• Ron White : I was flipping through the television, and I saw Robert Tilton, he's a televanglist from Dallas, and he said this: He said, 'Are you lonely?'
• [ Ron shrugs ]
• Ron White : ...Yeah. He said, "Have you wasted half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?"
• [ Ron takes drink of scotch ]
• Ron White : This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos!"
• Ron White : [ Ron dead stops, face frozen ] *Yes, sir!* "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second.
• Larry The Cable Guy : You know what they got now? Edible undershorts? Whose idea was that? "What do you wanna do tonight, baby?" "Let me eat your undershorts." HEY BABY, PUT A COUPLE OF THOSE IN THE FRIDGE, I-MA MAKE ME A SAMMICH LATER!"
• Larry The Cable Guy : Is that a remote control fart machine? Wow...
• Jeff : This man has enough money to buy anything in this mall, and he gets the remote controlled fart.
• [ starts to cry ]
• Jeff : I'm so proud!
• Jeff : Men, if you have a wife, a girlfriend, or a daughter, you are being trained. And just cause they aren't doing it with a cattle prod does not mean it isn't working. I'll tell you when I first realized I was being trained. I've been married to a wonderful woman for seventeen years; it was about year five when I realized it. We were lying in bed reading, when she just says, "I'm hot." And I closed *my* book. Got out of bed. Went over to the wall, and turned the ceiling fan. I got about halfway back before, whoa!
• [ bewildered expression on Jeff's face ]
• Jeff : I wasn't hot! And I swear to god the next day she called her mother and was like, "Momma, it is working so well! I just had to say it, and he got up and turned the ceiling fan on for me!" And her mother was like, "Baby, I'm so proud of you! I'd put your daddy on the phone so you can tell him, but I just said I'm hungry about twenty minutes ago, and he went into town to get me something to eat!"
• [ repeated line ]
• Larry The Cable Guy : Git 'R Done!
• Jeff : If you missed fifth grade graduation because you had jury duty, you might be a redneck.
• Jeff : [ during Jeff's "You Might Be a Redneck" ] If you have ever ridden an electric floor buffer...
• Bill : [ raising his hand, embarrassed ] All right, wait, wait, WAIT! Tequila was involved, GET OFF ME!
• Jeff : [ turning to Ron White ] I wonder how many times his wife has said that!
• [ high fives from Ron and Larry the Cable Guy ]
• Ron White : So I flew in here to Phoenix from Flagstaff because my manager doesn't own a globe. He chartered one of those small private jets. I flew here on a plane this big, it was like a pack of gum with eight people in it.We were putzing along. We were going half the speed of *smell!* We got passed by a kite! There was a goose behind us and the pilot was yelling "Go around!" So about halfway through the trip, we start losing oil pressure in one of the engines, and the pilot says we have to turn around. It was a nine minute flight. Couldn't make it with that equipment. He came over the intercom and said "Hey, we're losing oil pressure in one of the engines," which I couldn't understand why he did, because he could have just turned around and said, "Hey, we're losing oil pressure." *"heard'ja"* Everyone else started freaking out, but I had been drinking since lunchtime, so I was like "Take it down! I don't care! Make sure y you hit something hard, 'cause I don't want to limp away from this!" The guy next to me is *losing his mind*. I guess he must have had something to "live for". He says, "Hey man, if one of the engines goes out, how far will the other one take us?" I look at him. "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty lucky, because that's where we're headed! I bet we beat the paramedics by a good half hour! We're haulin' ass!"
• Ron White : [ On DeBeer's diamond slogans ] The new slogan now is "Diamonds: Render her speechless." Why don't they just go ahead and say it? "Diamonds: That'll shut her up... for a minute."
• Bill : [ while the guys are all getting individual spa treatments ] Larry remember, when you have to go to the bathroom, get out of the tub!
• Larry The Cable Guy : [ Farts ] Too late!
• [ Bill laughs ]
• Jeff : If you ever wore a tube top to a funeral home, you might be...
• Bill : [ Cracks up laughing ] Oh my god! I can't believe you just said that!
• Jeff : Why, did that happen to you?
• Bill : No, I got a better one. If you ever crack open a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck.
• Jeff : Let me guess, one of your relatives.
• Bill : My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren't even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, "Psshhh!" And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, "What?"
• [ cast and audience laugh. Jeff stands up with his cup and walks up to a "casket" ]
• Jeff : Mama sure looks good, don't she?
• [ Ron joins him ]
• Ron White : That ain't Mama.
• [ Larry joins them ]
• Larry The Cable Guy : No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off.
• [ Everyone laughs as Jeff, Ron, and Larry sit back down. Larry suddenly gets back up and walks back to the "casket" ]
• Larry The Cable Guy : Forgot my beer.
• Jeff : If you ever used a barstool for a walker...
• [ Everyone looks at Ron, who slowly raises his hand ]
• Jeff : You might be a redneck.
• Jeff : [ telling a redneck joke on Bill ] If you ever emptied the bed of your truck by backing up real fast and slamming on the brakes...
• Bill : [ Raises his hand ] That's how we moved!
• Jeff : If you wear a dress that's strapless with a bra that isn't, you might be-
• [ Ron points to Larry, who has raised his hand, his head hung in embarrassment ]
• Jeff : Try to envision that when you fall asleep tonight.
• Soda Vendor : So, who's the actor in this group?
• Ron White : Oh, there are no actors. Believe me, this is an actor-free enviorment.
• Jeff : Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
• Jeff : The question you get asked most as a comedian is "where do you come up with material?" And I think the honest answer, at least for us, is the best stuff is not stuff you make up. It's true stuff.
• Jeff : In the Atlanta airport- I live in Atlanta; you know where you go through the metal detectors? In the Atlanta airport, they have now built a giant Plexiglass box that contains all of the things they will no longer allow in your carry-on luggage. And in that box, there is a *leaf blower*... and a Coleman latern.
• Jeff : So if you are an international yardman that likes to work nights, you are SOL right now. A leaf blower! Who is hijacking an airplane with a leaf blower? "You turn this plane around, or I mess your hair up so bad, your mother will never recognize you!"

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Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road

Larry The Cable Guy: This doctor says to this feller, "i got bad news and worse news." He says, "ohhh, whats the bad news?" the doctor says, "you've got 24 hours left to live." Then he says, "whats the worse news?" the doctor says, "i forgot to call you yesterday."

Bill Engvall: My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says "It looks and tastes like real bacon!" No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!

Ron White: Theres this cruise ship and theres a magician that works on the ship and the captain had a parrot that liked to go to the show everynight. The parrot understood the show and since it could talk it would give away everything. "ohh, he's puttin it in his sock bbbrrrrrrkkkkk" "he put it up his sleeve bbbrrrrrrkkkkk" "its in his hat bbbrrrrrrkkkkk." And the magician just hated this bird. and one night he just snapped and he pulled out a pistol and he shot the bird and the bird ducked and the bullet misses the bird and it hits a propane tane and blows the ship to a billion peices. the only survivors are the parrot and the magician and their floating out in the middle of the ocean on two little peices of wood and the parrot goes "Alright i give up. Wheres the damn ship?"

Bill Engvall: For about two weeks after that, my wife and I would be sitting at the breakfast table and there would be two or three coyotes sitting watching the back yard. And you'd know the conversation went something like this: "Naw, hell no, don't go in there, that little dog's a setup."

Bill Engvall: "I ain't lyin', ask Joe what happened to him!"

Bill Engvall: I woke up one morning, got dressed, and my wife asked me, "Where you going?", I said, "I've got my yearly physical today." "I'll go with you!" OK, how boring is your day? I'd never go with her to her physical! Seen it! It's not like we'd be breaking any new ground! It's not like I'd go, "Hey Doc, what's that?"

Bill Engvall: So I go to this spa, and it was weird. They had pillows all over the floor, Zamfir music playing, water flowing over rocks, supposed to relax you. Made me have to go pee!

Bill Engvall: Then she starts rubbing my butt! Yeah! All I could think was "Don't fart!" Yeah, you've thought about it, haven't you! 'Cause when you're standing up and you've got gas, you can clench it in. When someone's rubbing your butt cheeks east and west, you're bound to let one of those icky dog farts squirt out.

Bill Engvall: Can't have sausage anymore, and not because of health reasons, but because I saw a commercial that nearly scared me to death. I was watching TV one night, and this is what the commercial said word for word. "The eggs are from real chickens. The milk is from real cows. But the sausage is from Jimmy Dean." Really? You'd think someone would have caught that!

Bill Engvall: My wife got us a catalog of stuff just for our dogs. 42 pages of things just for our dogs. She bought a feeding dish this high off the ground. I said, "What does he need that for?", and she says, "So he don't got to bend his neck to eat!" I just saw him licking his own ass! Excuse me for thinking he's limber enough to eat! She said, "It helps his digestion!" I said, "His digestion's just fine! I pick it up out of the yard every morning."

Bill Engvall: We've got 4 dogs, 2 of them are wiener dogs, those are her dogs. And they're cute until they have to go to the vet, and then it's like a billion dollars. I took them to the vet and our idiot vet goes, "That dog's gonna have back problems right there." No kidding! It's got an 8-foot back and 2-inch legs! I could have figured that one out! Here's another one, Doc Obvious. That right there's a boy dog and he's 1/4 inch away from dragging his transmission on the sidewalk!

Bill Engvall: Then we got my dog, Duke, he's a basset hound. Duke's the perfect dog, yeah! He eats his own turds! Perfect dog right there. Goes outside to poop, cleans it right up! You can't teach that. That's just a gift. Best part is, my wife doesn't know he does it. She loves to let that dog lick her face! That's why we never have an argument. She starts climbing on top of me, and I'm like, "Duke! Mama needs some lovin'!"

Bill Engvall: I took Duke to the vet 'cause he eats his own turds, and I asked the vet, "Isn't that unusual?" and he says, "No, a lot of dogs do that. Just take some of this powder here, sprinkle it on his food and it'll make him stop." I said, "What's it do?" He says, "It makes his turds taste bad." [lengthy pause as audience is laughing hysterically] "I'm sorry, Doc, did you just say 'it will make his turds taste bad'?" Let me tell you something, if you've stooped to eating turds, you've never uttered the phrase, "Oh my God! This is nasty!"

Ron White: My wife and I came into Washington, D.C. on a tour bus, and she had never been to D.C. before. We were crossing the Potomac, and she asked, "What's that building right there?" And I said, "Well, it was a Hooters during the Clinton administration, then it was the Lincoln Memorial, now it's a Cracker Barrel, so, welcome!"

Ron White: We've been playing at all these Indian casinos hopping from reservation to reservation. Here's how well my mother hears at 70 years old. We were at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida on the Seminole Reservation. I called my mom, and I heard my dad in the background asking, "What'd he say?" and she goes, "He said in Hollywood, you need reservations to get a cinnamon roll!" Close enough, Mom!

Ron White: Our next stop was to Ft. Myers, Florida and Sanibel Island, which was where Jimmy Buffett lived when he wrote "Margaritaville". The only way to get to Sanibel Island is to cross a little rickety bridge. A little rickety freakin' bridge! I expected to see a troll and some billy goats! This bridge is so rickety, the speed limit is 5 mph, and I got a ticket! The officer asks, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" "I don't know, 8, 9? My foot slipped off the brake!" "I clocked you at 11 mph. More than twice the legal speed limit!" [puts his wrists together as if he is asking to be handcuffed] "Take me to jail. I'll make a million dollars telling this story if you take me to jail for going 11 mph."

Ron White: My wife and I have a tour bus on which we have 3 dogs, 2 of which are Scottish terriers, because if you drink enough Johnnie Walker products, eventually they just send you the dogs. Our Scottish terriers' names are Birdie and Bogey, and someone said, "That's cute. You named your dogs after your golf game." I said, "If I named my dogs after my golf game, they'd be named Double Bogey and Where The Hell Is That Ball Going." Which is kind of a long name for a pet.

Ron White: So as I'm picking up dog turds, I notice one that is massive even by Sluggo standards. I look at this turd, which looks like it says something. So I go in the house and get my glasses, 'cause I can't read sh*t without my glasses. And upon closer examination of this turd, it does say something. It says "Midland Park Golf Course". Sluggo has eaten and shat whole a golf glove, velcro and all. I rinsed it off and I've been using it for three weeks.

Ron White: I'm chastised in the media for my position on the death penalty. And the media doesn't know the half of it. Like in the Mussawi case, if I were to set the execution date, I would set it for 1 a.m. on the day we set clocks forward. "Looks like you got another hour left, Mussawi. Nope. Spring forward, a**hole!"

Jeff Foxworthy: If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's "babydoll".

Jeff Foxworthy: If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't "juicy".

Jeff Foxworthy: This one goes out to the younger ones out there. If your mother still drives you to school, you ain't no "gangsta", pull your pants up! Your back pockets should not be behind your knees!

Jeff Foxworthy: This one goes out to the fathers and uncles out there. Your shorts should be longer than your underwear! Especially if you wear tighty-whities. No one wants to look over at Uncle Fred and see something that looks like a baby bird.

Jeff Foxworthy: If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!

Bill Engvall: There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow's nest says, "Enemy ship ahead!" The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt." And the servant says, "Uh... okay." So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn't loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, "Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Wh- Why your RED shirt?" And the captain says, "Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn't see the blood and would continue to fight on!" The sailor said, "Oh! That's brilliant, right there!" The next morning, the guy in the crow's nest yells, "20 enemy ships ahead!" The captain then said, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Larry The Cable Guy: I can't stand the hot dogs at Home Depot, they go right through you. I ate one and twenty minutes later I had a big brown snake playing "peek-a-boo". And somebody at Home Depot has to put up a sign that says the toilets over there are for display ONLY!

Bill Engvall: I thought I nearly broke my ribs, 'cause I'm an idiot. Well, what happened is I bought my son a trampoline. Yeah, you see where this is headed? Well, you know the rule: The person who builds it gets to try it first, so my son was at school and I built the trampoline and start to go on it, my wife goes, "Hey, why don't you wait until he comes home?" I said, "Hey, why don't you hush... please?" Hey, I ain't that big an idiot, all right? So, I was jumping on the trampoline, and I was thinking, "Oh I remember this." Started doing seat drops and knee drops and then I got cocky. One thing I learned about a trampoline, if you don't land square, you go up at an angle. And you don't come down at that same angle, you go down at an equal and opposite angle. Yeah, I'm 20 feet in the air and NOW my high school geometry kicks in. I curled into the fetal position, banged against the rail. My wife's laughing so hard, she nearly peed herself. Two important things I learned that day. One, the springs will pull the hair off your legs, and two, the dog doesn't like to jump.

Bill Engvall: Ever set your hair on fire? [Raises hand] Me too! And not the hair on my head. [Audience laughs, assuming it's the hair in a more "personal" area] Oh, shall we not go to the gutter so quickly? It was the hair on my arms. I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. [Mimes holding a magnifying glass over his arm] Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he IS that stupid."

Bill Engvall: Remember chin-up bars in elementary school? Yeah, so do I. Fourth grade, me and my buddy got this idea, we would run our Stingray bikes through the chin-up bar, when we got to the bar, we would the grab the bar and let our bikes go and just swing there. 'Cause we're idiots. One day we were out on the playground, it had been raining. We didn't think metal got slick when it got wet. Never had cause to think that thought. We're straddling our bikes, trying to look cool, and I see these two little fifth grade girls by the swings. I turned to my buddy and said, "Hey man, older women." [Grins] "I'll go first." Boy, I spun that knobby tire in the mud, I'm flying towards that chin-up bar, the banana seat's getting hot just from the wind blowing by it! I grabbed that wet pole, I let that bike go, my full wait hit the chin-up bar, I went, "Thunk!" Knocked out cold on the ground. My friend flips out. He runs across the street to my house where my mom's in bed sick with the flu, runs into her bedroom and screams, "Bill's dead!" About the time I came too, I saw a woman in her nightgown and panties run at me going, "Waaaaaa!" Boy I wish I had've died!

Ron White: [Man shouts something at Ron] No, you can't sir. Stop begging for booze!

Jeff Foxworthy: Now, I'm sure alot of you are going, "Jeff, I don't know, when it comes to clothes, if I dress like a supermodel, or a redneck." Well, i have a few clues to help you tell. If the most expensive thing you ever bought at the mall came from the food court, you might wanna pay attention. If your bra is a darker color than your shirt, you might wanna pay attention. If your wife dusts the furniture with your best pair of underwair, you might wanna pay attention. If people can see your butt crack 24/7, you might wanna listen up. If you've mastered the art of putting on makeup with your non-smoking hand... while driving with your knee, you might wanna pay attention. And if your thighs stop moving 30 seconds after you do, some of this might be aimed at you.

Bill Engvall: My wife goes, "Bill, you got too much stress," and I said, "I don't got any stress," and she goes, "Bill, you almost got kicked off an airplane!" Good point. Well, what happened was I got on this plane, it's an early morning flight, and they board us and I take out my Game Boy and start playing it while they are still boarding. Yeah, I know, Lord forbid I read a newspaper or Time magazine. I gotta get Scooter to Level 9! But I'm minding my own buisness, playing my Game Boy. All of a sudden, the pilot comes on. He goes, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be a little delayed. They didn't put enough gas on the plane." Why would you make that announcement? Make something up! Tell me you ate a piece of bad fish and you got the runs, tell me *something*! Don't tell me we don't got enough gas on the plane. That's like number two on the check list for, "It's OK to takeoff!" Keys, GAS! See, the way the process works in my little brain is that the gas truck pulls up next to the plane, the pilot sticks his head out the window and goes, "Fill 'er up!" Yeah, I get the one pilot in America, "We're going to Vegas, give me 5 bucks, we'll be alright." There's nothing I can do about it, so I just keep playing my Game Boy. All of a sudden the flight addendant walks by and y'all, I might as well've been building a plutonium bomb. She *flips*, and she goes, "Sir, sir! You need to shut that off right now!" I'm 48 years old. Now all of a sudden I'm 6. "Bu-bu-bu... but if I shut it off, then Scooter'll die and I'll have to go back to Level 1!" And then she said it. She said, "Sir, do you know where the on/off switch is? [Rolls eyes] I said, "Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button." I said, "Yeah, I know where the on/off switch is. Do you know where the gas cap is?" And you know, a body cavity search isn't so bad if you just relax...

Larry The Cable Guy: One night, I was looking at the stars through my telescope because my neighbor had put her top back on, and one of my buddies called and said, "You wanna go fishin' tomorrow?" And I'm like, "Darn right! Git-R-Done!" And he said, "Well, we have to be on the lake at 5 am." Come again? 5 am? You couldn't get me on a cheerleader at 5 am, I'll tell you that. Well, you could, but she'd have to bring her own rod.

[Jeff's picture has been Photoshopped into a gay pride parade]

Bill Engvall: What's with the glasses?

Ron White: You look at that photo and the GLASSES bother you? What about the two sailors in assless chaps? Did you notice them, Bill?

Jeff Foxworthy: [to Bill, through a fit of laughter] He's got a point.

Bill Engvall: [seeing a picture of Jeff dressed up like Peter Pan] Dude, you've got to kill your wife.

Jeff Foxworthy: I got to tell you, I really appreciate Ron for being a part of this. He had to leave a New Year's Eve party to be here tonight. I'm not saying Ron drinks, but I hugged him and my vision is blurry.

Larry The Cable Guy: [about a photo of Ron from the 70s] First there was the Bee Gees, then came the heebie-jeebies.

[about the DHS heightened state of awareness rainbow]

Ron White: If I'm standing on line to get on a plane and the guy in front of me needs two loads of phlegm to pronounce his name, I'm checking his shoes for fuses!

Ron White: And I don't care who knows it, either. And it's not being racist. It's profiling.

Ron White: I almost got run over today by a mobile paper shredding unit. I'm in Georgetown, they've got them on every street corner. These gigantic... evidence getter ridder ofers.

Ron White: Can you call them up if you've got a body you don't need around?

[taking his wife deer hunting]

Jeff Foxworthy: She would not shut up the entire time. We're walking through the woods, and she's like "It is so dirty out here. I cannot believe leaves and sticks are everywhere. Can you believe how dirty it is? Nobody ever cleans this up? Oh, God, look at that. I got mud on my new boots. Oh, I hope that comes out. I love these little boots. You know, they were originally a hundred and twenty nine dollars, but I got them for fifty-nine ninety-five. You wanna know why? They're last year's boots. I don't think anybody will know, do you? Oh, God, there's a bug on my pants! Get him off, get him off, get him off! Well, don't kill him, he's just a little bug! He's probably looking for his bug family! Here, hold my binoculars, 'cause I gotta straighten my hat up. Are my bangs even? Are they really even, or are you just saying that? Are they even? Does this coat make me look too fat? I don't like this coat. I liked it when I first put it on, but now I think it makes my hips look fat. Don't you think so? Where are all the deer? You said there were going to be deer out here, I don't see one single deer. Is this gonna take a long time? How... how come you're putting your gun in your mouth?"

Jeff Foxworthy: Fashion rule number five. It is okay to wear a t-shirt with nothing written on it. I don't know what it is about rednecks. We never have to write a r?sum?, because you can learn everything you want to know about us by reading our clothes.

[laughter and applause]

Jeff Foxworthy: You give me a redneck man's t-shirt drawer, I can tell you what kind of truck he drives, what radio station he listens to, who he roots for in NASCAR, what he likes to hunt, who his favorite college football team is, his philosophy on life, and where he went on vacation the last twenty-one summers.

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Foxworthy: And you give me his windbreaker, I'll tell you what kind of cigarettes he smokes.

Jeff Foxworthy: I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."

Jeff Foxworthy: This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.

Jeff Foxworthy: You know, just huge. I mean, from a distance, she looked like a poodle riding a Hippety-Hop. I mean, like...

[pantomimes, to raucous laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy: And there's no telling how big her butt really was, 'cause she had it *packed* in these jeans. I mean, it was crammed in there. I could hear the zipper crying.

Jeff Foxworthy: You got the feeling that some night, some guy was going to get her home, get that top button unbuttoned, and that thing was going to come flying out of there like a Navy life raft. You know...

[pantomimes again]

Jeff Foxworthy: But the thing that was intriguing about it was she had this attitude like she was the hottest thing on the planet. And I love big girls that think they're sexy. 'Cause I think guys look at them kind of like we do those rodeo bulls. You know, we're like "I bet I could ride it. But I'd probably get hurt."

Jeff Foxworthy: So anyway, I signed her books for her, and when she went to walk away, she wasn't just walking, she was strutting. I mean, you know, like popping it. And I'm watching her 'cause I'm scared she's going to knock over some little kids or something.

Jeff Foxworthy: And my brother leaned over and tapped me on the arm, and he said "That looks like two blue Volkswagens trying to pass each other on a gravel road."

Jeff Foxworthy: Also, with t-shirts, guys, if you weigh more than four hundred pounds, it's not okay to wear a t-shirt that says "No fat chicks."

Jeff Foxworthy: You ought to be wearing one that says "I whipped anorexia's ass."

Jeff Foxworthy: And do *not* wear an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt if you're by yourself.

Jeff Foxworthy: And if you do, well, I'd say that's right.

Bill Engvall: I relieve my stress by buying stuff. I'll go to Cabela's or Bass Pro Shops, yeah.

Bill Engvall: Here's the problem: I'm an impulse buyer. I'll like "Oh, look. I bought a deer feeder." Then I'll think "Oh, man. I gotta get it home."

Bill Engvall: And that drives my wife crazy. 'Cause she's very much a list shopper. Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes. Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine.

[whoops and hollers]

Bill Engvall: [laughing] Oh, that is my crack. I know it's just crap. But it's crap I've gotta have.

Bill Engvall: I bought a escalator for my house.

Bill Engvall: Just 'cause it conveniently fits underneath the bed.

Bill Engvall: That's how they get you. You ever been flipping through that magazine, not paying a bit of attention? All of a sudden, this will catch your eye: "Tired of your knees touching when you sleep?"

Bill Engvall: Well, now that you mention it, yes I am!

Bill Engvall: And they sell some stupid stuff in there. Have you seen that rubber thing you put on your shoes? And it says "You can aerate your own lawn."

Bill Engvall: [laughs] Okay, how big a loser are you, stomping around your yard? "I'm saving money."

[stomps around the stage, to raucous laughter]

Bill Engvall: Don't get me wrong; it works.

Bill Engvall: She got really mad at me when I ordered a digital fly swatter out of that magazine.

Bill Engvall: Well, come on! It keeps track of swats, hits and kills. And the best part is, you could hook it to the internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter.

Jeff Foxworthy: This guy's mother-in-law comes to live with them, and she's been living there for about a week, and he comes home one day and she's laying on the floor, and he calls 911 and the ambulance comes and gets her and they take her to the hospital. And he's out in the waiting room, and the doctor comes out after a while, and the doctor said "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." The guy said "Well, all right, give me the bad news first." He goes "All right. Your mother-in-law is not gonna die." He said "She's had a massive stroke." He said "In fact, she's probably gonna live twenty or thirty more years." He said "The... the problem is this thing has rendered her unable to speak." He said "She just makes this horrible screeching noise like a parrot now." He said "It's also disabled her from using her arms, and she can't feed herself." He said "For the next twenty or thirty years, you're gonna have to feed her baby food three times a day." He said "Also, it's made her incontinent. You're gonna have to change her diapers and clean her up every single day of your life." The guy said "Oh, my god." He said "What's the good news?", and the doctor just goes "I'm just kidding with you. She died."

Ron White: This guy is taking flying lessons. He's talking to his buddy, he says "First day in the air, the instructor informs me he's an eighth degree black belt and a homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances, I have to jump out of the plane." And his buddy goes "Well, did you jump?", and the guy goes "Yeah. A little at first."

Larry The Cable Guy: This feller's going hunting with his buddy, and he's got the scope up and he goes "Oh, my lord. I can see your house from here, and your wife's cheating on you with another feller." And he says "I've had it with her. Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts", and he said "I'll get that in one shot."

Jeff Foxworthy: [about his book "The Redneck Dictionary"] Because of the book, I was doing a lot of book signings, and one of the last ones I did, I did a five hour book signing at a Wal-Mart one Saturday afternoon. And during that five hours, I had a revelation, and that is there's not a whole lot of supermodels shopping at Wal-Mart. It's pretty much just us rednecks, you know? And... and we... we don't wear stuff 'cause some magazine say it's the latest style. We wear stuff because it's comfortable, and if you can't look at it and keep your lunch down, that's your problem. But as kind of a spokesman for this portion of the population, I got to thinking "You know, it has reached the point where we do need a few redneck fashion tips."

Bill Engvall: [telling their favorite jokes with a traditional setup and punchline] Ronny, you got a joke?

Ron White: Nope.

Bill Engvall: All right.

Jeff Foxworthy: His... his mind's like a Lazy Susan. If you'll just bear with us, it... it'll come back around here in just a minute.

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The end of 2022 will be the end of the tour for two of the four “blue collar” comics who took the early-to-mid Bush years by storm — including the one that we liked.

Bill Engvall has spent the majority of this year on his “It’s Finally Time Farewell Tour” with one final New Year’s Eve show planned in Salt Lake City, while Ron White, the cigar-smoking, scotch-swishing centerpiece of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, will simultaneously be slipping out the back door with one last set in Tulsa, Oklahoma before Tater Salad retires from touring for good.

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Engvall, White, Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy haven’t all toured together since 2006, but the cultural phenomenon left a footprint on comedy history. Now that half of the all-star lineup that lit up Middle America in the middle of the 2000s are hanging up their spurs, we should appreciate what the Blue Collar Comedy Tour brought to American humor — as in, it introduced most of us to White.

Foxworthy first envisioned the Blue Collar Comedy Tour in 2000 as a counterpoint to “The Kings of Comedy” — Foxworthy saw how Steve Harvey, D.L. Hughley, Cedric the Entertainer and Bernie Mac appealed to “urban, hip audiences,” and he wanted to create a tour that catered to the other side of America. Basically, the Grammy-winning comic wanted to do “Kings of Comedy, But for White People.”

Foxworthy recruited Engvall, who had already co-starred with him on The Jeff Foxworthy Show , and hired White, his former opener, to be their third star. Allegedly, when Foxworthy pitched White the idea, White called the proposal an inappropriate eight-letter r-word that isn’t “redacted,” but he eventually acquiesced — probably after finding out how much more money headlining comedians make than their openers. Larry the Cable Guy was the last to join the quartet.

The Blue Collar Comedy Tour was a massive success — the four comics toured for six years from 2000 to 2006 and shot three specials together, which were all met with massive acclaim from their targeted demographic of rural Americans. Despite the fact that Foxworthy was already a Grammy-winning comedian with his own sitcom and Engvall was a mainstream comic and actor in his own right, the two lead comics played up their “redneck” roots and dominated the zeitgeist with folksy catchphrases and jokes about NASCAR.

Larry the Cable Guy became a cultural phenomenon in his own right, eventually launching a TV and film career that dwarfed the later careers of his contemporaries. Even though the real Daniel Lawrence Whitney grew up in Nebraska, the constructed personality of Larry the Cable Guy became TV’s favorite Deep South-sounding redneck with an extensive line of merchandise for followers to purchase.

Looking back, most of the humor that came out of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour feels like shameless pandering, and hearing a bunch of guys who fly in private jets joke about tractors and trailer parks would have been insufferable if not for the show’s saving grace — White’s wit, dry delivery and weaving, meandering stories made him the best comic on the tour by a country mile.

While Engvall, Foxworthy and The Cable Guy preached their sets to this theoretical, all-encompassing redneck who enjoys hearing someone famous talk as if they’re from his hometown, White told personal stories that wove his sardonic point-of-view through tales of barroom brawls and arrests while never talking down to his audience or pretending to be anything he wasn’t. Now that he’s saying goodbye to touring life, it’s worth admitting at last that White was the best part of a cultural phenomenon that defined comedy during the George W. Bush honeymoon phase (such as it were). 

But as sad as it is to see White go, it’s even sadder to know that Jeff Dunham is somehow still filming specials.

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Critic’s Notebook

Less Politics, More Everyman: The Remade Rustics

By Jason Zinoman

• May 17, 2013

BEAUMONT, Tex. — You can tell a lot about a comedian by how long he takes to get to his catchphrase.

In Ford Park , an arena here that feels like the world’s biggest high school gym, Bill Engvall, a middle-aged goateed comic, takes his time before drawling, “Here’s your sign.” The line punctuates jokes about someone acting stupid. (The idea is that dumb people should wear signs.)

Next is Jeff Foxworthy, who spins a long yarn about a family reunion before delivering the line, “You might be a redneck” — a better catchphrase, perhaps, in that it requires no explanation.

But the night’s final act, Larry the Cable Guy, the sleeveless id of this graying triple bill, gets down to brass tacks right away.

“Git-R-Done!” he says, in his signature guttural style, to the delight of a large but not terribly loud crowd that paid up to $60 per ticket. Larry, whose real name is Daniel Whitney, treats his all-purpose slogan — which can mean “Right on!” or “Do it!,” among other connotations — the way a classic rocker does a hit he’s weary of playing, getting it out of the way early before moving on to his act.

Over a dozen years after the Blue Collar Comedy tour began, its early performers (Ron White is the fourth) remain a major force in live comedy, Larry the Cable Guy, Mr. Engvall, Mr. Foxworthy and Mr. White still routinely perform to large crowds, although you probably have to leave New York or Los Angeles to find them. (Mr. White has stopped appearing with the others, however.)

Part of its success is undeniably due to the way its redneck jokes and Fox News-style gibes at kale-munching elites stand out in a comedy scene dominated by stand-ups who are based on the East and West Coasts. Being sneered at by comedians like David Cross, who recorded a brutal takedown of Larry the Cable Guy, probably helps their outsider credibility.

But these comedians have also been extremely savvy marketers, constantly experimenting with new platforms and adjusting their acts to reach larger audiences. There are three Blue Collar movies, a reunion tour, albums and best-selling books, TV and radio shows and a mountain of merchandise . You can buy Larry the Cable Guy condoms and beef stroganoff. A $200 million Blue Collar Comedy amusement park is in the works in Foley, Ala.

Inspired by “The Original Kings of Comedy,” a concert film starring four black comedians and directed by Spike Lee, Blue Collar Comedy was started in 2000, led by Mr. Foxworthy, a prominent comic from Atlanta. In the early years Larry ’s crude Southern caricature was the opening act to Mr. Foxworthy’s folksy quips. While Mr. Foxworthy’s redneck jokes updated a similar premise deployed by Jerry Clower (“You know a man is a redneck ...”), his more direct antecedent was Lewis Grizzard, a fellow Atlantan who mixed yarn-spinning odes to the Old South with jokes about the chasm between North and South.

Grizzard, who wrote a newspaper column for The Atlanta Constitution before moving on to books and live comedy, praised the nuance of Southern speech in a proudly cranky style. But Mr. Foxworthy more forcefully celebrated the crudeness of the redneck, which he defines as a “glorious absence of sophistication.” Grizzard died of a heart ailment at 47 in 1994, a year after Mr. Foxworthy recorded his first album, reflecting a changing of the guard in Southern comedy.

The early Blue Collar shows included political jokes, like defenses of the death penalty and cracks about Hillary Rodham Clinton and Senator Edward M. Kennedy. The comedians remain active politically: Larry endorsed “anyone but Obama” on “Fox and Friends,” and Mr. Foxworthy stumped with Mitt Romney. But the recent show I saw at the Ford Arena was heavy on the difficulties of aging and the difference between men and women, with almost no politics.

While they were once more confrontational about their cultural politics, the Blue Collar comics now have a cautious, inclusive vibe, especially since Mr. White stopped appearing with them. (His manager said he had gone in a different direction.) When I saw his stand-up last month at the Warner Theater in Washington, he boasted about owning a jet. Dressed in black and speaking in a baritone, he curses and drinks onstage and makes no attempt to whitewash his sins or his opinions. He refers to “The Book of Mormon” as “Gullible’s Travels.” In an earlier Blue Collar movie, he made fun of people who like Garth Brooks. (What is Blue Collar but the Garth Brooks of comedy?)

Mr. White makes Mr. Foxworthy and Mr. Engvall look like smiling game show hosts, which has been one of their many roles. (Mr. Foxworthy’s new religious trivia series for GSN, “The American Bible Challenge,” is a hit.)

Here in Beaumont, the listless show by Mr. White’s former cohort, which was not helped by the cavernous room, seemed as if it were on autopilot — until Larry the Cable Guy walked onstage. Whatever you think of his juvenile humor, which includes jokes about flatulence, ugly women and dwarfs, this is a hard-working performance. He provides puns and one-liners in bulk, and while his persona depends on obvious stereotypes, the core of his appeal is a pure silliness with a mischievous streak.

“Good to be here in Beaumont,” he said. “Bet that’s the first time you heard that.”

Unlike the other Blue Collar comics, who strain to establish blue-collar credibility — “Whole Foods?” Mr. Engvall says. “More like whole wallet.” — Larry comes off, oddly enough, as more real because he’s so transparently fake. The artifice is right there in his name and cartoonish expressions (“underbritches,” “Daggum”). A city slicker could make a case that Larry the Cable Guy is the longest-running piece of performance art in pop culture today. But he’s really just an old-fashioned entertainer with an effective gimmick. (It should surprise no one that he’s appearing in the Tyler Perry movie “A Madea Christmas” this year.)

When Mr. Whitney, who is from Nebraska, created the character, it was just one of many he did on a Florida radio show in the early 1990s. Another was an old Jewish lady from Boca Raton. She never caught on, but considering the success of Larry the Cable Guy, maybe she will have a second act. Iris the Gefilte Gal?

A critic’s notebook article on Saturday about the Blue Collar Comedy tour, which includes Daniel Whitney (who performs as Larry the Cable Guy), misidentified Mr. Whitney’s home state. He is from Nebraska, not Oklahoma.

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• Movie quotes
• Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again

“Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again” quotes

“I believe , that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.” Ron White - Himself

My wife and I, we love watching Dateline, those shows where every week they will feature a disease. I swear to you, every week, no matter what the disease is, my wife has it. There could be three people on the planet that have this disease, my wife is one of them. She just watches it going "I've got it." Jeff Foxworthy - Himself

“Women are details. If you don't got the details, do not talk to a woman.” Bill Engvall - Himself

“The first time my wife and I made love... you ever heard of those screamers? Well, apparently she had never been with one before!” Ron White - Himself

I think the biggest difference between men and women is that men are basic. Just basic. There's not a whole lot of frills. That's why, ladies, when you ask a fella a question, the answer you get is, "I don't know." Basic. Bill Engvall - Himself

“I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south .” Bill Engvall - Himself

“I believe that ignorance of the law is no excuse , and I'm quoting a New York City judge on this one.” Ron White - Himself

“I believe that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you can not baptize cats.” Jeff Foxworthy - Himself

I was drivin' down the road the other day and I get pulled over, and the policeman said, "You been drinkin'?" I'm like, "No. Why, is there fat girl in my back seat?" Good lord. "By God, there's two of 'em! I guess I was drinkin'! Larry the Cable Guy - Himself

Joey says to me, "Hey, man. I'm getting a divorce" and I said, "Oh, that sucks". That was our whole conversation. I understood it, he understood it. So I go home and I tell my wife. "Oh my god! What happenned?" "Was he cheating on her? Was she cheating on him?". I said, "Again, baby, I don't know. You got a better chance of getting answer out of... (continue) (continue reading) Bill Engvall - Himself

“They're always kept clean , so you know it ain't dirty . You got plenty of room to stretch your legs out, and you've got rails for power squeezing.” Larry the Cable Guy - Himself

“Her father dies, and I'm like, baby come on we're going to the nursing home. And she see's all these old men like pick me pick me. She wanted a black one, but I was like keep it simple, that's my motto .” Ron White - Himself

“You see, ladies, men have three basic needs in life: eating, sleeping, sex. That's our whole day. I can do all three of those in my truck. By myself. In traffic!” Bill Engvall - Himself

“I believe that if you let somebody cut in front of you in traffic and they don't give you the little wave, it should be perfectly legal to get up underneath 'em, get 'em loose, and put 'em into the wall.” Jeff Foxworthy - Himself

“I believe the only thing worse than having diarrhea is trying to have it quietly in a public bathroom.” Jeff Foxworthy - Himself

“I believe that sometimes you gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the truck payment.” Larry the Cable Guy - Himself

I believe that the phrase "time in a bottle" refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call. Bill Engvall - Himself

“I believe that guns don't kill people, husbands that come home early do.” Larry the Cable Guy - Himself

Don't you hate it when you get so dadgum drunk , you look in your pocket the next day and there's some girl's number with a name and you don't know nothing about it? So you call her up and you hear this, " Hello ?" "Yeah, is Debbie there?" "This is Debbie." "I ain't drinkin' no more". Larry the Cable Guy - Himself

“- Bill Engvall: When is your birthday? - Larry The Cable Guy: February 17th. - Jeff Foxworthy: No, what year is your birthday? - Larry The Cable Guy: Every year .” Bill Engvall - Himself Larry the Cable Guy - Himself Jeff Foxworthy - Himself

“I remember when I was a kid , there were two medicines: aspirin and Campho-Phenique, that was it. They advertise these prescriptions, and half the time, the side effects are 50 times worse than what the thing cures!” Jeff Foxworthy - Himself

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Blue Collar Comedy Tour

The Blue Collar Comedy Tour is a comedy act consisting of:

• Larry the Cable Guy
• Bill Engvall
• Jeff Foxworthy

See the individual pages of these performers for their quotes originating from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

• Comedians from the United States

Jeff Foxworthy Used to Have Something to Say

The comedian's Netflix special The Good Ol' Days— his first in 24 years— drops the redneck jokes for the worst.

My parents raised me—for better or worse—on the comedic stylings of Jeff Foxworthy. First with The Jeff Foxworthy Show and then with the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. I remember social scenes in The South™ ringing with the rejoinder "you might be a redneck..." for years on end, like a never-ending wave of cicadas. Foxworthy created this movement; it began as observational humor, morphed into well-worn self-deprecation, and around 2004, became a weird touchstone of White Trash Pride. As a redneck, you were owning the joke, sucking all the poison out of the stereotype before it was ever used against you. I don't care what you think of me , these jokes seemed to argue. I know who I am .

You might be a redneck if you've ever used your trolling motor to plow the family flower bed.

You might be a redneck if your kid has used the tabs off your Miller Lite cans to make their mom a Mother's Day present.

Those are mine, by the way.

They are also the only "you might be a redneck" jokes you'll be hearing today. In Foxworthy's new Netflix stand-up special, The Good Ol' Days , which began streaming March 22, there's not a single one of his signature jokes to be had. Instead, for his first solo stand-up show in 24 years, Foxworthy stays focused on the simpler times that came before, repeating that phrase—"the good ol' days"—ad nauseam over the course of the hour-long runtime. Curiously, everything else about Foxworthy remains the same: a jewel-toned button down, the dignified mullet, the mustache of a cousin of Dale Earnhardt.

Is a change of material bad? Not at all. But early on, what becomes clear is that Foxworthy hasn't shifted gears so much as he's stripped the material of meaning. Nothing in Foxworthy's set is political or cancel-able, topical or modern. It's focused on the nondescript time in his life he calls the good ol' days, but without commentary or perspective. Time will tell if it works for the broader audience, but if I may take my own swing at the joke format, in the good ol' days, Jeff Foxworthy had something to say.

In the quarter century since Foxworthy last had a stand-up special, he's stayed consistently relevant, forming the bawdy, yet family friendly Blue Collar Comedy group, which spawned a series of noteworthy deals. Somewhere along the way, Foxworthy landed hosting gigs on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and The American Bible Challenge . And it feels like those series, saccharin and populist-approved, serve as (intentional or not) key influences for his new material, ultimately sucking the liveliness out entirely. In the first few minutes of this new special, Foxworthy opens with the briefest of remarks on the COVID-19 pandemic, catching us up on how lockdown was for him. He realized his breath stinks, because of masks. He's become a grandfather. His wife talks far too much and always pees on road trips (women!).

Then we take a trip back to what I assume is the year 1980. And we stay there. You see, in the good ol' days, "if you wanted a trophy, you had to finish in first place. It was nuts." In the good ol' days, you didn't send a dick pic, you traced it out on paper with a crayon and sent it via snail mail. In the good ol' days, you didn't have to remember all these passwords! The only password that mattered was the one to your clubhouse and it was...

"Boobs," I said aloud to the TV.

"Boobies," Foxworthy responded.

Foxworthy dances around some valid points about technology and what looks to be a fraught future, but instead of offering any personal insight or emotion about what it's like to be dealing with these things in your 60s, he always falls backward towards broad strokes and cliche. A proud Boomer, he turns to stories about simpler times with corded phones and encyclopedias. (The upside of nostalgia jokes is that they will always be relevant with that Boomer crowd. The downside is that with every passing year, there are less and less of them.)

Foxworthy's audience has always, by nature of the material, skewed to the more conservative side of the party lines. That is probably intimidating in a comedy landscape that is filled with overtly political commentary and the ever looming threat of cancel culture. To me, that's no excuse to back off now. Whether Foxworthy would admit it, his work has always been political. Those redneck jokes were funny, but they were also teeming with commentary about the working class of America. And Foxworthy was always at his best when he was talking about what he knew. He used his own life and blue collar background as a jumping off point, oftentimes making light of the very points we didn't have the vocabulary for ourselves. The best part is that it belonged to the people who lived it—the rednecks and redneck-adjacent. If some "big city liberal" didn't get the joke, that was half the point. They're not in the club.

Foxworthy carved out a place in 80s and 90s comedy talking about working class families trying to make ends meet with a little bit of love, some cheap beer, and a touch of self-awareness—not unlike another comedic legend, Roseanne Barr. But where Barr became a political pariah and brash media presence, Foxworthy went the other way entirely: plain Jane territory. White toast central. In The Good Ol' Days , there is no nuance; no originality. It feels more like a catch up with a man whose work used to be a must-hit topic at every good family barbecue.

Maybe he thought in 2022 there was no space for the word redneck. Maybe he's just bored of the idea! The lack of the previously favored buzzword isn't the cardinal sin of the new material, anyway. Rather, The Good Ol' Days flops because it misses the tongue in cheek punch that so often would come after it; the willingness to say something about being a touch trashy, skewering yourself or the people you're talking to without ever losing control of the conversation.

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